just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
