I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
