I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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