I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
