I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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