I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize