I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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