i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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