Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
