we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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