Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
