When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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