I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
