My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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