I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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