The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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