I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
