I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
