my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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