Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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