Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
