I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
