So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
