You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
