I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize