I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
