I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
