I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
