i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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