Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
