Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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