he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
