I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
4 words: hood of his car
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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