all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You made out with two different species that night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
