My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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