Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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