Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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