I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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