she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
