I wish I could teleport
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
