We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
