it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
