I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
