you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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