Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need a burrito and a hug.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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