My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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