I just threw up on my dentist
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
