made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
