god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
now i know why i became what i already was.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
