do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
whose parrot is this?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
