is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
