please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
