There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
