My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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