When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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