Soap is not a condiment
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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