I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
