Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to have your abortion
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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