she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
